"it always gets worse before it gets better"

2006

So if you know me well, you know that my biggest frustration for the past 8 years has been "my face." I first went to a dermatologist when I was 12. At that time, I only had weird little bumps and redness. He said it was a strange rash and would eventually turn into acne. He was right; it did. When I went back to see him, he put on these huge, weird-looking binoculars and said, "Hmm. Let's try _____. Oh and remember 'it always gets worse, before it gets better!'" So I'd try it, it'd get worse, and then nothing! So I'd go back and he'd want to try something else. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty awful but in my mind it was only temporary.

2009

But I shortly found out, I was wrong. All through junior high, high school, and even my first year of college it was there. And the problem is: It got worse and never got better. My first year at Cedarville, it was by far the worst it had ever been. I was meeting new people and all I could think about was, "This is their first impression of me. How could they not judge this book by it's cover?" I tried so hard to find out what was making it worse... "the nasty CU water I washed my face with every night, my fabric softener, and lots of other things." I eventually discovered that it was stress-induced. I had started my first year of college, I was trying to make new friends, I was leaving everything else behind,  I needed to find the $ to even be there, I broke up with my first boyfriend, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I wanted to make good grades. Let's just say there was a lot on my mind and because I was deeply stressed, my face was at it's worst. Despite all of that, my year was fantastic. My face slowly got a little better, but still not what I would call "normal."

After moving home, my mom tried so hard to convince me to go to a new dermatologist. I refused. I knew they hadn't done anything for me in the past and all I was doing was wasting my parent's money on medicine that didn't work. But after much convincing, I finally went. I didn't have a good attitude about it, and walking in, I knew what I had tried and what I didn't want to try. But the doctor was amazing. He told me I was beautiful, and he knew the perfect thing. He eased all my doubts and told me I would have an acne-free face when we were done. I followed through with it and can't even tell you how happy I am. 

2011

What he made me realize though was: I was beautiful all along. The doctor never said, "You'll be beautiful when this is all done." He told me on my first visit, "You're beautiful Brandi." He was reassuring what God had been telling me the whole time. I was beautiful and precious in His sight, with or without acne.

Song of Solomon 4:7

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

1 Samuel 16:7

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

Looking back, I realize it was one of those things that I tried to pretend didn't exist. But in the "quiet corners" of my room, I knew it did and I knew everyone else saw it. It effected who I was. I remember praying saying, "Please Lord, just clear my face up. Make me beautiful." And I would become angry sometimes thinking about it: "He won't answer my prayers so He really must not want me to be pretty." But that was the lesson I needed to learn. I was perfect in His sight and didn't need a clear face to be beautiful. It only took me 8 years to learn it ;) Thank you Lord for showing me my own beauty in who You are.

blessings

Blessings: Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I've been meditating on this song lately and boy has it convicted me. Here's a few things I walked away with, and hopefully you can too...

1. He loves us so much that He won't give us anything short of what we need
2. How many times do I doubt His unfailing love? How many times do I doubt His forgiveness? How many times do I forget His goodness?  How could I? We have His word at easy access and FULL of promises.
3. He longs that we have faith to believe :)
4. I can look back in life and think of SO many blessings. And to be honest, MOST of them have come with "raindrops," tears, and sleepless nights.

With all of these valuable lessons, I see so much room for improvement. But one step at a time. I realize I can't tackle it all at once.

So today, I pray "Gracious God, I'm willing. I'm willing to suffer. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I'm willing to be ridiculed. I'm willing to be caught in the storm. Whatever it takes to glorify you Lord. Bring on the sleepless nights, bring on the tears, bring on the trials of life. Whatever it takes to draw me nearer."

don't forget him...

Well I don't think this is going to be a long post, but just thought I'd share a little about what's going on in Brandi's life. I don't have to work until 12pm tomorrow, so I'm a rebel and staying up past 11pm! It's a weird concept these days... staying up past 11 and all. ;)

Anyways, I just finished midterms so I'm "halfway" done with the quarter (yay! :)) and can I just say "I love it!" My major is great. So since I love what I'm studying, I'm actually doing well. I haven't received anything lower than an A so far, and I'm wondering where Brandi went...? This is very unlike me. I always worked hard in school but still made it by as a B/C student. Also, today I found out I'll be graduating Spring of 2012. Which is a little over a year!!! Wow-zer! :) So all I have to say is praise God :) Everything seems to be working out perfectly... His will, not mine! 

I've been struggling with the whole "my life is COMPLETELY up in the air" thing recently and today God reassured me. He put a date in my head. He gave me a goal. He knows my little organized-obsessed brain needs that every once in awhile ;) So that's honestly a weight off my shoulders.

Real quick I wanted to share what I've been learning in the book of Hosea recently. Holy cow... can I just say it's GOOD stuff. I encourage everyone to read ch.2 (GO! Right now! It's short ;)) and picture yourself as the wife and God as the husband. Can I just say I love Him more just from reading this chapter?

• We are the adulterous one, unfaithful, a disgrace, filthy etc. 
• He watches us walk away and search for other things. But we don't find them. So what do we do? Run back to Him. But do we see His loving hand taking us back? No way! We don't even acknowledge that it was His doing. 
• The Lord declares, "It was me she forgot" (vs13). Are you turning your back on Him and forgetting all the many many blessings He's bestowed on you? Don't forget Him. Don't forget the good.
• When we forget Him (because sadly we do...), what does He do? He leads us to a quiet place and speaks tenderly to our heart. He tells us of His love. He takes us back with open arms. He promises us safety. He will then say, "You are my people."

I just can't get over this visual. 

Do you realize our God is the God who goes to the whore house to buy us back? I think that in itself says it all. THAT is a God of love. Love that only I can pray to learn.